Broken Heart

Dear Killa,

I have been married to my husband for five years. Since we have been married, we have not been able to live together. I live abroad and he lives in St Andrew, Jamaica. I have been working on his papers to get him to live with me abroad. My husband started to hang around a few single ladies. I warned him that it was not wise for a married man to be in the constant company of single women. He didn't listen and now one of them is carrying his child. My heart feels like it has been ripped to shreds a million times over. He said he only had sex once with the woman and he was drunk. I told him, I don't believe him. He will admit to only one time because she is pregnant. He wants this marriage to work, but I am not so sure anymore. I love him and that won't change but I am no fool. He seems remorseful, but who knows? My question is whether I should try to work on my marriage with him or just set him free?

Dear Foreign Wifey,

From my heart, I'm saying I'm sorry my dear. I'm sorry for all the wrong (he’s) done and all the pain (he’s) caused. But two hearts become one and that’s a bond. (He) need you in his life, not as a memory. (He) need you to be there to journey... needs yuh like him love attorney, huh!

(Listen), his eyes can see more clear, as long as you’re standing there.  (Right now it) seems like he’s in a dream- or tings ain’t de way they seem. (Him) sorry if him treat yuh bad or if him ever mek yuh sad. Now, he don’t know what to do, cause he’s (still) so in love with you. He hurt you, yes it’s true, but I got a few words for you… It's ok, its alright, he’s gonna make it on the morning flight. He’s gonna do all the things you like, like, champagne and candlelight.

Praise for the Killa

Dear Killa,

Congratulations on your good work. You have proven to be a good counsellor. Not everybody likes you, but you speak your mind and I like that. Keep up the good work!

Dear Fans,

Eh yo...yallow! (More people fi) tek Rodney Price advice. Advice so good, so timely and so nice. Oman all a present, me wid dem daughter as a prize. I am a priceless label; everybody waah sign up. Suh mi wi keep doing dis until mi time up.

Humiliated by a Con Man

Dear Killa,
 

I am a victim of a man who came to Jamaica, married three women and was charged for visa scam. When I met him, he gave me a wrong name. There was no attraction on my part as I thought this thin, squared shoulders, extremely black, long mouth, tiny-eyed, ugly looking man looked like the devil. He came off as being so charming, loving and caring that I was able to look past his demonic, ugly looking face. He made me feel like a princess and the only woman in the world. I wanted to be with him so badly because of the way he made feel, but he was always elusive and busy. He told me he was a millionaire and was in Jamaica on the ‘Doctors without Borders’ program.
 

Killa, I cannot seem to get over my anger. To be honest, I want to kill him. I sometimes walk around with a knife. I plan to stab him up, kill him, walk to the police station and turn myself in. Can you tell me what I can do to stop him? This man has caused much hurt and pain to people, and he does not seem to be paying for it. He just continues to live a normal life while ruining the lives of others.
 

Dear Sista Wife,
 

Bung Bang!
 

If mi get mad up in here it can be scary, or get leery. To kill dis fool, to me dat is no stress. Murder dem fast, just like a Federal Express. Cyaan tell yuh how dis likkle punk yah (need) boosting. Cyaan tell yuh how him family gwine loose him. (Leave him to time- smaddey gwine) chop him up BAD so till all Madden a refuse him. Ongle di dog and di John Crow wi choose him.

Gay husband wants $10 million

Dear Killa,

I need your help. I walked away from my marriage after finding out that my husband is gay and has always been. His lawyer wrote a letter asking me to give him permission to give my husband a cheque of $10 million for a piece of land we both own. What should I do?

Dear Stella,

Whey yuh say, yuh (ex-husband) name Whodini? Mi nuh have nuh problem if yuh a hood Deanie, mi gawn wid Queenie. Eh yow, dis argument get steamy. A yuh a spend yuh money, (nuh gi) de bwoy cent. A yuh good house yuh have, so yuh nuh haffe pay rent. Mek a bwoy live a bush and mek a bwoy pitch tent.

Outward appearance doesn’t cut it!

Dear Killa,

Some men do look first at the body of a woman, while others, before they make a commitment, take time to look at the inner soul. It is wonderful and encouraging when a man says to his woman, "You're so smart, I knew when I chose you there was more to you than just a beautiful face." A wise man will choose a woman who will communicate intelligently with him and who is capable of going out in the workforce to help provide for the family in case of illness or hardship.

Dear Hinner Beauty,

This is a straight statement. Gal dem look so good, dem look like ornament.  Look pan dem skin, it smooth like ivory. (But) mi wonder if dem generous like Miss IVY? When (de good kinda) gyal dem inna de crowd, dem can stand up fi demself. Dem intelligent with a smooth accent. Dem dress normal though, dem well decent. Dem gyal deh naah run up and down. Dem have dem bonafide. Dem gyal de know dem square root and pie. Gyal like dis a whey mi want (by mi side).  All some (other) gyal know is chicken and fry and know fi tief and know fi tell lie. And fi badmind and fi rely.

Spellbound…

Dear Killa,

I met this young lady some weeks ago and from the moment I met her, I felt there was something different about her. She has this ‘vibe’ that just makes me giddy whenever I see or spend time with her. At the end of every date, I find myself wanting more. It has gotten so bad that if I don’t see her for a few days I start to feel on edge. When we have sex, it feels like I am on the moon. No woman has ever made me feel this way before, like I am going out of my mind.

Dear Lovey Dovey,

Hay yo! You know you have some ladies, the whole attitude dat dem choose to give is soo smooth. Anyway!

Magnet- suh dis gyal just a pull you in. Magnet, she have de skill fi fulfil yuh dream. Magnet- dats de way how (it seems). Dis woman a pull yuh in like a magnet to steel. (Most) woman draw yuh out, but dis gyal yah pull yuh in. Like a needle and a pin, wid de magnet wey she bring. She (mussey) hold on pon yuh ting mi sey like a virgin and hold yuh hostage and sey dat yuh a de victim.

My boyfriend replaced me with a vibrator

Dear Killa,

This is the first time I am writing to you. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 24. We dated for about 12 weeks, then we started to have sex. His birthday was approaching and I asked him what he wanted me to get him and, to my surprise, he said a vibrator. I objected but he insisted that was what he wanted. I bought it. But, now he is obsessed with it. He is always using it on himself and he groans a lot. He is now ignoring me because the vibrator is giving him more than I can give him.

Dear Miss Replacee,

Mi cyah believe some man wey mi hear a say dem a men. (Now dat mi hear ) it fi myself, water full up mi eye. Dis man a gal clown. Gyal, clown him…drown him! Whappen to dem? G.C.E! Gal Clown Executive. A fool dat yo!