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Monday, 25 April 2011

I am dying to make love to her…

Dear Killa,

I would really appreciate your take on a matter. I have been with my girlfriend for three and a half years. I really love and respect her. She is in her final year at university and she is a wonderful, calm, warm, patient, loving, caring, kind, very giving, considerate and beautiful young woman who I can reason with, even when she is under pressure.

One issue we have is that she fears intercourse. She is relaxed with intimacy but she freezes when it is time for penetration. Her heart rate increases and she gets nervous and clams up, and, no matter how hard I try, we can't seem to make headway. When I try a little harder, it’s like trying to get inside a rock, and she will scream and start trembling like a leaf and break down, saying it hurts too much. I have had patience with her in that department. I am dying to make love to her, watch the expressions on her face and explore her. I have never wanted a woman more, and I know she is worth the wait.

Is it an issue of time? I hate seeing her shake in fear. She knows I won't hurt her.

Dear Missa Blue,

Okay…Dat’s right

Well dis gyal hot and every man wyah correl har. Every wey she pass, man wyah fi know a who she. Long time yuh love how har parents a grow har and a yuh love and affection yuh owe har. But cold feet a tek yuh- dem tings mi a show yuh. Yuh (can) move any gal mountain, so longs yuh have faith. Early inna de morning before sunrise, push de ting up between har thighs. Back har up, jack har up, (and) knock har outta har shell. Slice har cho-cho, bus up har virgin bag. Mix har dun like yuh deh a mixing lab.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Tiefing Ductah

Dear Killa,

I went on a minibus from Linstead to Spanish Town. At the Bog Walk Gorge, fares were collected. I gave the only money I had, which was a $1,000. Upon reaching Angels, I asked for my change and was not given any answer. On reaching the final stop, I came off and asked for my $900 change. The conductor said he still did not have the change and proceed to take from his pocket a roll of money. I told him I was only interested in my change, not his money.

The bus driver was told to drive so that they can go and leave the conductor to look about change. Instead, as the bus drove off, the conductor jumped on the bus and away he went. I went around to the terminal but I did not see the bus. Until now, I have not received my $900. I need my money now.

Dear Countryman,

Ain’t gonna speak my intention. A pop down my gun and destroy de action. Boom! Dynamite! …and gwaun deh wid de pump action.

Well, run come up inna me Magnum bwoy. Stand up in front me shotgun bwoy. Disrespect Miss Ivy last son and yuh life disappear. Well, a no warn me no warn dem and a no tell me no tell dem. If dem diss Waterhouse man dem inna problem and me gun nah spare dem.

From yuh can’t hear-gunshot yuh gwuan feel. No tek it fi a deal. You a gwuan like yuh head and yuh chest it mek outta steel. Put up yuh shield and me gun gonna nyam yuh right yassuh just like a meal deal. Ask if it is real and yuh head gonna run down di street like a bicycle wheel.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Bored to Tears…

Dear Killa,

I attend UTECH and consider myself a good student. I do my work, I participate in school activities and even find time to take on some leadership positions on hall. Despite all that, in the nights I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. I am so bored sometimes, that I lie awake staring at the ceiling. What do you do when you feel bored?

Dear Schoolers,

Lawd-a-mercy! A need to mek a special call, hand me di telephone. And when mi call, me cyaah get no dial tone. Mi diss buy mi house a love zone. Anyway, hey!

Excuse, pass mi cellular phone, mek me call Antoinette and Simone. Hey! Tell dem nuh move a muscle ahm coming home to take a trip down eena dem love zone. Hey! Gal haffi bawl and scream and moan, mi start swing di old tiger bone. We use brush-brush we shoes, and fling whey stone. So tell di man dem fi leave dat alone. Well, Gyal want a man, yu know me deh ya instant. Natural as mi bawn, no unda not a substance. Excellent and talented, me doan unbalance. I naw drap off like di guy Jack Palance. Well, Gyal a mek noise like a giant alarm. Gyal waah fi run when fimme engine tun awn. Mi three teet fawk mi tek a plough up har farm. Plant mi banana and sink fimme cawn.