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Friday, 25 February 2011

Should I take her back?

Dear Killa,

I am a 34-year-old man and I am having a problem. I was with a young woman for 13 years. She did a lot of wicked things to me. We have a son together. From he was two months old, she left us and went to live with another man. Now, the man is doing her so much bad things, so she called me and told me the things he did to her. She said that he called her names. Now, she is saying that she made a big mistake, and everybody makes mistakes because when you do, you learn from them. She wants to come back, what should I do?

Dear Mr. Tekiback,

Well, it's Warlord di world renown…

Yo! She tell mi if mi waah mi can get it back. And how di garden flat, she waan mi wet it back. But di ongle ting mek mi nuh tek it back? Anyting mi dash wey, mi nuh tek it back. She seh di old broom know di corna di best. When mi dun pon de straight, she sey “gane are de rest”. Mi dun kiss di lips, she sey gwaan a de breast. She run round de house, sey my charm a di best.

Di gal drive me down like a madman pon di lane. Tell mi how much she miss di long sugar cane. She miss how mi mek har juice flow like a rain. Di likkle tiny man just start get to har brain. Too much dining, not enough whinning when she ready fi di bump and grinding.
Yo! This a nuh play riddle diddle nah fiddle. Everybody try puzzle this riddle.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Taking a shot at scripture…

Dear Killa,

I do not think a pastor should carry a gun. How can he preach the commandment, "Thou shalt not kill," and carry a weapon capable of killing? How can a pastor say peace be unto you and carry a weapon that breaks peace? I know it may be important in Jamaica for citizens to have guns, but the pastor has to set the example to maintain peace.

Dear Gandhi,

No big deal, no big deal. Guy can't hear, him gonna feel…

Well, action speak louder dan words but (bad) man nuh talk bettah if yuh observe. Yuh stay deh gwaun talk, find yuh heartbeat lock off. Find de body a west and de head a north. Nuff a dem a diss and cyah pay de cost. De gun wey we a buss name 'God a come', and we magazine big like a drum. When time mi buss it, all de sun go dung. De shot dem tek cornah- go wait till yuh come. To the Kings of Kings, well mi know them shall answer. The Lords of Lords well a him a wi sponsor. See, Selassie I nuh tek fi fun or laughter.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Wild Boy 2…

Dear Killa,

Thank you for the good work that you have been doing. This is the first time I am writing to you but I am having a problem. I am 27 and married for two years. My wife and I have one child and I love my wife very much. However, I found out that I can't do without having sex for longer than a few days. Not even a week I can go without having sex. When I got married was the first time in my life I only had one woman with whom I was having sex. Sometimes my wife is tired and I have to beg her just to do it for a few minutes so I can ejaculate, because she doesn't like to see me masturbating.

I am in big trouble now because I am involved with a young woman who works at the same place as I do. I didn't mean to get involved with her, but she was always touching me and joking, and we got to like each other. One day we went out on company business and during our lunch break we went to a hotel and had sex.

Killa, I am trembling in my boots because I don't know how to tell my wife about this…

Dear Heastside Motel,

Dat’s Right!

(Tell har) De gyal dem a ride mi nature, amen, so let it be. Well, mi wyah de gyal dem until mi dead. Woman is everyting I need. Well, believe it or not… well mi naah lef off of de gyal dem trace. Cause de gyal dem a ride mi nature- feel like mi couldah tek all three.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Wild Boy…

Dear Killa,

Sex is my biggest problem in life. I am 19 and everybody calls me a sex addict. I had sex with almost all the girls in my class and I have sex sometimes two and three times for the day. Every girl I have sex with wants to stick to me like ticks. But, I just can’t seem to settle down and give them what they want.

Killa, what do you think is wrong with me? Is there a name for this condition?

Dear Gyalist,

A who? A who couldah so lucky fi get it twice from ungrateful Chucky, Mr. Wucky and Ducky?
One pop, and a gal get a Kentucky. Lawd a mercy! She not so lucky (imagine that).

Well, mi tell di gal dem sey mi nuh play stuckie. Gal mi slam yuh 2 time yuh more than lucky. One pop mi gawn and gi a gal a Kentucky. Every whey mi guh the gal dem call mi fuckery. Gal a gimmi name Ungrateful Chucky. The ‘Ouch gal’ dem call mi wuckie and duckie. Gal whey yuh have a fi mi, when yuh see mi yuh fi gimmi. And tomorrow please act as if yuh never see me. Mi dun stretch yuh out like some lastic bingey and bench yuh out like some enamel chimmey.

Sexually speaking dem should know mi mad. Mi kill di gal dem wid promise whey never fulfill from dem come inna mi palace. Wuck har an duck har and present har wid malice. Well, a dat me deliver to Alice.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Fluffy Girl...

Dear Killa,

I am 35 and have been considered ‘fluffy’ all my life. For a time, I did not mind it, since I think curves is what makes a woman sexy. But, recently I have been having some health problems that the doctor says is related to my weight. I have tried every diet imaginable, Atkins, Maple Syrup, liquid….just to name a few. And still nothing has worked. I have gone to the gym a few times but my embarrassment at being so overweight always causes me to quit. Killa, I am desperate to find a way to lose this weight. But, I can’t afford surgical procedures like gastric bypass. Please give me your best advice…

Dear Fluffy,

Kaboom! Well dis is Bounty Killa, di gal dem daily prayers…

Big and fat, weigh five hundred pound? Well! Di Killa gonna break it down. Gal! When mi done wuk yuh, a yuh grave yuh ago end up. Yuh likkle chocho and you salad a go swell up. Just like eight or S you a go bend up.

Say you need fi work pan you size? Gal when mi dun wuk yuh, yuh all out a yuh sense. You kick down door, tear down the back fence. Make you all a speak whole heap a accent. Non-stap work, is just horn and horn. Mi no accept defeat nor no sabotage. Yuh a sweat water run like de Matalon Barge. All when di tune done me still ah press record. Me still nah pull up when me a get nuff applause. Performance ah di year is surely my award.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Mi tired a bun now…

Dear Killa,

I am writing you with a heavy heart. I am married to my childhood sweetheart. My wife does higglering and she has lots of friends. She likes to go out. She has given me 'bun' several times and I can prove it. My wife is very out of order. Sometimes, when I try to have sex with her, she pushes me away and says her young man satisfied her already.

Killa, she has no love for me and I can see it. One of my daughters is willing to take me to live with her, but I don't want to be a burden to her. But, I can't stay here and let my wife disrespect me. All my neighbors know that she is giving me 'bun' and I am ashamed. What do I say to her?

Dear Bunny Wailers,

Lawd a mercy…man a cerassee!

Well! Girl yuh living too dangerous- better if yuh give it up. Yuh never stop until, yuh pass di maximum line. Well now yuh know too much! I need a relationship and not a war. Imagine fi see yuh woman inna man car. Tell me what de hell yuh gonna think of her? Mek man a rob tings from mi cookie jar.

Gal! yuh bettah look inna yuh life and stop flirt. A walk sidewalk when yuh should deh work, a wash up yuh plate, or wash a man shirt. The bag a friendship business naw go work. Yuh think it's me or your friends dem it going to hurt, when mi get upset and mi just splurt. Better yuh baptize and gwaan inna church, and pray to God and put him first!