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Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Mix-up Preacher

Dear Killa,

I just want people to know about some of the preachers in the churches. They say they are preaching God's word but I think they are not. I went to a church recently and listened to the preacher. He talked about everybody's business except his own. The preacher hardly spent time talking about Jesus. He was just in mix-up and gossip. He said everybody wants his money. Doesn't he know the Bible says the fool and his money will soon depart?

Dear God Pickney,

Before dem seek God, dem seek de devil. Dat’s why dis world so miserable.  But, de Killa sey, its Jah and not de Devil- him mek dis world be comfortable. Try know de man wey build de earth and de heaven-him a mek de sun shine, 7 to 7. I see earthquake and storm wey a dangerous something. Lightning and Thundah-dat mek yuh frighten. Volcano and Lava bun yuh out to nutten. Man all a fight his brother to get title- and war did start wid Cain and Abel. When Cain shoub a knife right in him brother navel. Now is de time to live as Jah disciple.

Dis part is to you Pastor Mix-up. Instead a make bridges, you a make more walls. Is like yuh doan see dat yuh Kingdom mek out of (lies).  Is like yuh and de devil have a album deal. Yuh don’t got no heart? Tell me, how do you feel? (Jah know) It bun mi feelings. (Dat's why) de Killa have to stay by de almighty, de protected and shield.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Go-Go Girlfriend: Part Two

Dear Killa,

I have been friends with a go-go dancer for the last 15 years. She and I were friends from High School and there has always been an attraction between us. I have tried several times to take things to the next level and every time she shoot me down. I think she thinks I am too soft and that I would not be able to handle her. I find her very sexy, especially when she wears her short shorts. I go to the club where she works several times a week just to watch her dance.  What can I say to let her see that I can be the type of man that she wants?

T-Pain a yuh dis again?

Cross! Angry!

Dis Gyal (sound like she) fat ina de right places. Dem type a fat deh, WarLord wyah fi dwell in. (But yuh sey yuh) offer fi buy and she sey she not selling? 

Cross!  Gyal! How long yuh fi send on, from den on and yuh a hype and a gwaun from when on. Siddung pon him cocky like a chair and heng on. Him wi use him love like a rope and pen har. A who send har and recommend har and tell har (rude bwoy) ago fren har? Like a needle and thread dis mend har. Expand de sinting and den yuh extend har.

Go-Go Girlfriend: Part One

Dear Killa, 

I hope you can help me with an issue I am having.  I am a very nice, gentle and loving man who takes care of women in every way. Although I have been with many women before, I have never found any that could really hold my attention. For the past two years, I have been looking for a real woman and two nights ago, I found her. The only problem is that she is a go-go dancer and she made it very clear to me that when it come on to the bedroom business, she don’t play wid man. I am beginning to wonder if I am in over my head.  Killa, what I want to know is, have you ever been in this situation before and how did you handle it?

Dear T-Pain, 

Wining!  Precise and accurate timing. Yow…Scatter!  Dem gyal yah mek man heart flatter.

The way dem gal yah a wine is like dem out fi cause trouble and to how mi feel mi woulda tek all a double. Jus teck in winey winey Hazel.  She just a wine like har waistline a cable. One hand pon har head and de other one pon har navel.  She put one foot up pon di glass table, dat's when cold bump full mi body like raisin.  De gyal wine and stick, she get wild and kick. She wine fast, wine slow like when oil a grip. De gyal flash har fingah like it ketch ina har zip. De gyal wine like she just get Shakira hips.

Ina one instant mi turn from friendly to foe, when she bend down and touch har toe. Killa tek har from dancehall to divan. She haffe ‘do as I say’ like mi name Simon. A gyal haffe go dead from mi bust nylon. She haffe tell de other man dem sey mi a de first in line. A forward now- not reversing time.

So me tell har… Come wine fi de general.  Flip like dollar coin fi de general. Yuh a star come shine fi de general. Whole night yuh assigned to de general. Eligible and prime fi de general. Couldah nevah unkind to de general. Wine! Wine!  Wine fi de general!

Friday, 11 November 2011

Ladies Man

Dear Killa,
I am your number one fan. Recently, my friends and I got into an argument about you and Beenie. My friends claimed that Beenie was more of a ‘ladies man’ than you because him cute and can dance. I told them that dancing isn’t everything and that you are the better man because you had D’Angel first. Killa, please settle this.

Dear Fans,

Some bwoy sey dem a Gallis inna song and nevah see Alice ina har thong! Well, some bwoy just a sing bout gyal. Dem a nuh gallis, (dem) no know a ting bout gyal. Gallactic Gallis… me a de king bout gyal. A nuh yesiday Killa a win bout gyal. A four and five when mi a bring out gyal. Twin sisters mi buck and haffe win both gyals. Some bwoy nuh know de ‘Dawn’ or de ‘Kim’ bout gyal. A spend dem money and haffe bling out gyal. But, what a ting eeh?

Gyal dem see mi face and instant love dem fall in. Some a sey mi ugly but dem still find mi charming. Mi have a whole heap a gyal but dem nuh find dat alarming. Some bwoy can only get gyal pon Facebook. But, mi a bwoy a get gyal from mi barefoot. Some bwoy a get gyal through Blackberry.  But, a fi three naseberry me slam Kerry!