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Tuesday 29 March 2011

System Blues…

Dear Killa,

I really enjoy reading your columns because it is always packed with such good advice. Recently, I experienced a few changes in my life. I used to work 60 hours a week and had an active social life. Anyhow, because of the recession, my job hours have been cut down and I can’t afford to floss as I used to. Gas costs alone are driving me mad. All now mi cyaah get fi check mi catty a Portmore. I am trying to run a robot but Babylon won’t even give me a bligh. I find myself wondering what this ‘raas’ government is up to?

Dear Flossa,

Well this one reaching out to all the leaders and the media. Well, this is Rodney Price aka Bounty Killer, the leader for Poor People Government.

Well poor people fed up! To how yuh system sheg up, yuh issue gun fi wi pickney bus. Poor people fed up! To how yuh system sheg up, well everyday the ghetto youths dead up. Mi ask the leader, him a di arranger, fi mek poor people surround by danger. Fly and the roach and de giant mosquita, sewage water whey fill wid pure bacteria. Unnu ever tek a look dung inna di Riverton area, Bactu, and Seaview, Waterhouse, Kentire? Long time the MP him nuh come near yah, and the nedda one whey claims sey she a counselor. Rob seventy five percent and gi wi de quarter. Conquer the land nuh waan fi gi wi a acre. Disconnect mi light and chop off mi water.

Yuh think dem like to see wi inna dem hot car ya? Wid dem hot gal yah? A sing dem song ya? Dem song yah stronger than them vial and obeah…The lion from Judah dem well waan conquer. The eagle and the bear and the Queen and har daughter. Haile Selassie I, mi know the whole a dem after. But them a go guh dung inna flames and water.

Saturday 19 March 2011

Painful Lies…

Dear Killa,

You are doing a great job. I am a 40-year-old man. I have been married now for two years and I have one child with my wife. Shortly after we got married, I went and lived abroad for about a year. During this time I became involved with a jezebel of a woman. I realized almost immediately that this woman was the wrong sort of woman to get involved with, but I had already made a mistake. A year ago the woman started to send emails to my wife in Jamaica. She told my wife all sorts of lies. Even though, I ended that relationship a long time ago, this woman is telling my wife that things are still going on. Now my wife is threatening to leave me because she can’t trust me anymore.

Killa, I realize now, I love my wife more than any other person in the whole world. She is so wonderful and I made a big mistake. I don’t want her to leave me…Please give me your advice?

Dear Foreign Mind,

She say that she's leaving, because you’re hot and deceiving. But what a bond to break, what a bond, people try to instigate. But, it's never wise to make decision when you’re mad. Remember, think, concentrate, it's better to try to relate…Lady! Gal! Huh!

Well, hear mi now spouse, yuh waan him fi resign like him in di coast? Or tell him look a work like a security post? Fi gi di boss di minimum and tek di gross. Woman yuh bring him kids, yuh have him land and him house…So go tek a trip and go pon di north coast…dats wey yuh a him first spoke, cross!

Why yuh wanna leave him in the cold? Di prettiest ting him eyes ever behold. You’re worth to him more than money and gold. I know yuh might lose faith, he might give yuh more than you can take. (But) unconditional love have no estimate.

Saturday 12 March 2011

Dancing Hype

Dear Killa,

I am a single mother living in the inner-city. I have six kids and none a dem nuh lef de yard yet. I sell in the market- and what little I get, has to serve for all 7 of us. My last son is very bright and talented. But lately, I notice dat de school work drop off and de hyping pick up. Nuh bag juice party naah miss him and now that he has joined one of de dance groups in the community- all inna him head is clothes, dance and music.

Killa, I am distressed. I try so hard to see my kids elevate out of de Ghetto. I was really hoping this last boy would have turned out differently. Him have a bettah head fi de book ting, but de bleaching every night story won’t help him. Don’t get mi wrong Killa, mi love fi dance too, but dancing is not all there is to life.

Dear Mama Hype,

Lawd a Mercy… All de yute wey doan like school, just dismiss!

Book book book. Unu fi pressure unu book. If yuh naah nuh education people treat yuh like a buuts. Tun yuh ina handyman, dawg food yuh haffe cook. Dem nuh wyah nuh candy man a Barbican or Norbrook. So big up all de yutes a KC, Glenmuir and Georges. You love yuh education, dis one is for you. Keep your goals in sight and you must go through. And when yuh reach de top, don’t you forget is who buy yuh schoolbooks, yuh uniform and yuh shoe. And pay yuh school fee, when de term get new. As for me- Mama respect due. Cause if it wasn’t she- I wouldn’t know wey mi wouldah do. All by dis mi wouldah meet mi waterloo or go end up ina de wrong crew…

Friday 4 March 2011

Better Safe than Worry…

Dear Killa,

My motto is to never have unprotected sex for the rest of my life. I have a friend who was talking to a man. When she went to see him, she asked him if he had a condom and he said no. She told him that they couldn’t have sex because she was afraid, but he said she shouldn’t fret because he would pull out when he was about to ejaculate. He said it was something he does all the time. A month later, she found out that she was pregnant. The man that got her pregnant told her that when the baby is born if he/she resembles him, he will support it. But if it doesn’t… well I guess she’s on her own. These young women and men should be advised to never have sex without a condom.

Dear Sa-fety,

Well you know it's Warlord, di panty police. Yo! Gal, yuh arrested!

Fat pum pum gal, yes mi radda dem. Couldah fat, couldah slim, yes mi sahda dem. Gimme de gyal inna di Bima and di Prada dem. Gyal a risk dem life ova di border dem. Cause a mi dem waan fi go sahda dem. But if condom run out, mi reorder dem.