Lickey Lickey Girls

Dear Killa,

I always laugh to myself when I hear girls talk bout how dem cyaah find no good man. Well, in my opinion, is not the men that are the problem, is de women. Most of them just want yuh money. They don’t want no relationship, they just want what dem can get out of a relationship. Drive out, KFC, clothes, cellphone, why yuh tink taxi man have suh much woman? Is de hardest ting fi a man find a good, humble girl nowadays. Even de one dem wey call dem self Christian just as lickey lickey.

Dear Mr. Savings,

Eh Yow! Rude bwoy, how some gyal so greedy? Bwoy, mi a tell yuh, dem gyal yah move speedy…

Mi get gyal easy. Man believe me! A nuff a dem (gyal yah a) grieve me. Mi meet one, (sey) she wyaah go restaurant- she too greedy. (From) she see mi wallet , she start act speedy. (Mi) give har a one squits and har eye dem get beady. She start all bleach like de poor and needy. (After) mi get wey mi want, mi tell dis gyal gwaun leave me. She fi achieve me! (Dem gyal deh wi ) see yuh roll up and wyaah play join up. (Dem wi) see yuh and yuh woman and wyaah play close up. But mek dem know sey sketel bomb time up!

It’s not me, it’s you!

Dear Killa,

I am so mad right now. A few weeks ago, I met a nice guy at a nightclub in Kingston. Anyway, we started going out and everything was great until it came time for him to seal the deal. The first time we made love, I was not very impressed. He did not last very long but I told myself that he was probably tired and that things would be better the next time. Well, it has been a month and he has not improved. In fact, it has become clear that he is a “one position, one minute” wonder. What is worse, I heard through the grapevine that he has been telling his friends that I am the one with the problem. I have been with many other guys and it’s never been like this- what should I do?

Dear Miss Unsatisy,

Hayyy! Somebaddy say suppen bout tyad? Yuh ready fi hear how di gal dem a say some bredda a lyad? Lawd a mercy!

Bwoy come a road and a foam and a wrath, bwoy a spread rumor sey how Miss Unsatisfy salt. De ooman say a lie and a cuss peer claut. A cum him cum quick and a tun round a find fault. She sey from she born a de wuss slam she get. She just sekkle dung an all a ketch har breath but this bredda come fast like a new jumbo jet. Him a wutless bwoy, ole liad! Cum quick and tell gyal sey him tyad. Well, de gyal dem sey dem want a true man. To wuk dem very long and purlong, dat’s right! Dem want di wuk from yasso to Chicago. Suh If yuh cyaah wuk dem suh, yuh haffe go. Ooman, tell dat likkle punk fi leave you, cause him a zero.

Heditorial Comment

Whappen to dem!

Well, recently my name was called up in a incident wid Movado at Quad. The newspaper said “As it relates to Bounty Killer it's incomprehensible as to why he has been made a person of interest by the police. He was nowhere near the vicinity where the incident happened and it's very regrettable that he has been caught up in this situation, especially on his birthday"

What I want to know is: a which fassyhole a call up mi name? A nuff a unu waan see di Killer get waste. A nuff fassyhole a bawl pon mi case. Nuff a unu glad when police raid mi base- but a hell when wi buck face to face. A nuff time unu try fi clown mi. Maficer, bout dem a Mafia! whappen to dem!...claffia. A nuff time mi have it and well waan fi sound it. A nuff time mi friend dem haffie beg and haffi hold me. Media and de press, all unu a try unu best fi drown mi. Unuh cancel mi visa but dat still naah ground me. Know sey de eagle and de hawk dem surround me.

Mi know sey unu wha fi sen mi go a prison. But unu cyah shake mi fate. Cauw I know within myself that I was born to be great. Suh mek mi just say it out plain- to those punks who call up mi name. It only mek me stronger when yuh push me down, so go ahead and tell de town. You doing me a favor when you push me round, cause everytime yuh knock me down. I get stronger and stronger…everytime yuh knock me down.

Finish Line

Dear Killa,

I am at a point of giving up, because I feel like so much is missing from my life. I have devoted the last two years to just work and school, and now I am frustrated because my life has been all about school. I just feel like giving up right now. This is my last semester before I graduate with my degree, but I don't want to lose hope. Is there anything you can say to help me regain my confidence and strength, so that I can complete this semester without feeling all this stress and pressure?

Dear Student,

Well, yuh well ambitious and yuh well decent. Put yuh hand ina de air cause yuh well intelligent. From dem sey good! A yuh de Killa recommended. (Suh) nevah let your problems get you down. (Yuh) gotta stay focus and hold your ground. Though it seems hopeless. (Though) sometimes the burden heavy and (yuh) can’t take de weight. (You’re) breathing and still living, so its (never) too late.

Hangle de Wuk…

Dear Killa,

I have been having sex since I was 10 years old and in all dat time, mi nevah find a man that can satisfy me. Every man I have been with sey dat I am de best dem ever have. Cause mi nuh fraid fi do none of de styles dem want. Is something wrong with me? Or is it dat mi just nevah meet a man wey can hangle de wuk?

Dear White Liver,

All a de gyal dem wey know sey dem have leather interior, 5.0 litre…yeah. Are you ready to run mileage on de speedometer? Well, dem deh gyal deh a my passenger…

Gyal a tell mi how she big and brave. How much? She a wuk from a tender age. (But) when de killa start wuk har like slave, har something pain up fi months and fi days. Well, buckle yuh seatbelt and get ready to flow, she sey she have been working from har eye deh har toe. She can show mi nuff style, wey mi doan know. She bad like yaas and slippery like okro. (But) she nuh know de worky worky face. If she love herself she wouldah behave… cause mi hear wey she do wid all weak fence Dave. I’m sure I’m not a man of self-praise. But I will turn on de fire and mek gyal oven bake. If she evah get mi tool har sinting ring like bell. She run from here and run straight go to hell and rebel!

Here comes the bride…

Dear Killa,

I hope when these few lines reach you, they may find you in the best of health in Jesus' name. I would like to ask you a favor. I am visiting Jamaica in July of this year and I would like to marry my partner who resides there. Is it possible for me to get in touch with you to ask if you would attend our wedding please?

Dear Wifey,

Aiyyo! Woman is so sensational and so sentimental…

A we di gal dem a call an a invite. (But usually) dem (a call fi) say we must come over and spend di whole night. (Wedding) is just a day for lovers and for the ladies, but I say love for living every day. Love is the most powerful tool in the world. (Nuh worry) wedding done arrange!